There are these days, where your mind just can’t help but think over all the little mistakes you’ve made. All the regrets, and self hate, the ugly emotions that you keep hidden in some corner in your mind boil over and splash forth, and suddenly you realise just how much of a mess you are. How much you could’ve done better, how many mistakes you have made.
Imagine if that day was a conversation with your other self or soul, and you’d understand what I was going through.
“What… has it been like? Being in there all this time. Could you… see and hear everything?” I asked and Lu Jie turned to look at me.
“I should be the one asking that. I have been like this for a few months. You have been there for all my life. Twenty years. You’d know better than anyone else,” Lu Jie said, and I paused.
“Right. I still find that so hard to swallow. I guess- it’s like. I wasn’t really there? Like, I never knew I was there. I just have all these memories, and these emotions. I know these things and remember knowing these things as if I were you. But I wasn’t there till, well, till you died or whatever happened in that fight,” I said, turning to look at Lu Jie.
“It’s been the same for me. I wasn’t there up until the heavens had shaken and our core had been split in two. It was only then when I came to be, and started to understand everything that’d just happened. Like a dream, I live through your memories, only awake when we are here. In these little worlds. It is only here that I exist. Otherwise, I am nothing but a shadow within your soul.”
“Must be hard,” I muttered and saw an unamused look sent my way. Right. I’d lived like that for twenty years. Still wild.
“I know how this sounds. And I understand. You are not really there to experience anything. But… I never had to give up anything. Even now, I am still afraid that eventually, you’ll take over my spirit. And all that’ll be left of me will be a memory as the world fixes its error, and the main character takes off on his chase for the heavens. Now with extra bonus power from eating another soul,” I said, feeling my chest tighten. I was surprised at just how honest I was being today. But I suppose it was pointless to lie to yourself.
“I can’t,” Lu Jie said, turning to look at me. “I cannot say that these interactions do not tempt me. I wish my life back. I desire it desperately. But… I can’t. I shouldn’t even exist. It would serve your purposes far more to get rid of me, and to alter your Path than walk this way,” Lu Jie said, and I looked at him in surprise.
“Why? Do you… not want to live?”
“Do you remember my words? For when we’d first felt the brief touch of the First Law. When we’d finally grasped the first of the truths? I am the death, the Gu. There is another name for one like me. A demonic cultivator,” Lu Jie said, as black miasma flared around his body. “My spirit is weak, and it has succumbed to the demons, fallen astray from the Path of our forefathers as I let myself be consumed by my fears. I cannot return. There is no place for me back there anymore.”
I stared blankly at Lu Jie, feeling an odd sensation. “Bullshit,” I said out loud as the boy looked at me. “Try that on someone else. I know who you are. And perhaps, it’s because you are still me in some ways. But I refuse to believe that someone who so stubbornly cultivated for years. Dragging my spirit up with yours for twice the work as everyone else to progress would give up just like that. Do you truly believe that? That there is no place for you back?” I asked, feeling anger rising.
Lu Jie stared at me silently, before dipping his head. “I cannot stay there for long. My Gu would corrupt our body the longer I remain, killing us both,” Lu Jie said, and I nodded.
“Well, tough luck, I’m not giving you my body either. I just hate hearing that you say that you can’t. Because that means I can’t. And I’m not a quitter. Failure is just another path towards success. And I refuse to believe the stuff about demons and what not. Many things that are dangerous in nature naturally can form boons for humanity when handled correctly. If we let our fears govern us, then the world would never progress. Our Path would never progress. And that is the worst crime we can do,” I blurted out, as Qi flared around me, responding to my agitated emotions.
I stared at Lu Jie, as Gu flowed all around him, in a large cycle that mimicked the dual cycle of my cultivation. I stared, as the Gu rumbled and twirled and twisted, and my Qi followed his. I saw something shift in Lu Jie’s expression. A look of determination that hadn’t been there.
“Thank you, Lu Jie,” he said to me, and I felt oddly embarrassed.
“Don’t thank me. I just- I’m a coward. I’m still focusing on your problems to avoid my own. To avoid realising just how unsettled I feel every second I am reminded that I was here, in this world, all this time, without ever being aware of it. Yet I cannot bring myself to give back what should’ve been yours,” I said my voice wavering.
“It isn’t just mine, Lu Jie. Perhaps it had been, when I had been a boy. But can’t you feel it now? The tie that joins us within our souls? Only together are we complete. With both Qi and Gu. Life and Death. Only then is the cycle complete,” Lu jie said, walking towards me, and I smiled.
“Well, we do have a lot to learn. I have barely experimented with Gu as well. I wanted to see if I could do alchemy with it, or how Gu would affect my spirit plants, and whether it followed the same saturation principles as Qi. And just so many tests to do!” I said, feeling excitement replacing my heart.
“You can thank your fortune that you have Xiao Dong then,” Lu Jie said, and I paused.
“Xiao Dong? Ah… Sheldon. Right. No English. Wait, can you speak English?” I said, looking towards Lu Jie.
“Do you understand me?” I said, speaking out loud in English. It felt very weird, having not spoken it at all in the last three months. I wonder why I never realised that I’d switched way too easily to a completely new and supposedly unfamiliar language.
Lu Jie frowned. “I can understand you… but I cannot speak that,” he said, looking at me in a complex mix of emotions and I shrugged.
“I guess you didn’t get to hang around watching me fumble in college and play bullshit games like I was. I wouldn’t worry too much over it,” I said as Lu Jie frowned.
“You will have to teach me about these… games. There are many things I remember but do not understand. I wish to learn,” Lu Jie said and I stared before grinning.
“Oh boy, you’ll be in for a treat,” I said with a laugh, feeling a strange relief in my heart as Lu Jie smiled, his eyes wrinkling with soft lines. It was such a genuine emotion that I found myself staring.
“Would we truly be able to be one?” Lu Jie asked, looking up at me. “Would I truly be me? Would you truly be you?”
I took a deep breath in, looking at Lu Jie.
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly and Lu Jie nodded back. “But we could find out now. See what happens?” I said, feeling an odd shiver to my voice. I was scared, but I knew I needed to do this.
Lu Jie nodded along as I turned to face him, the Qi around me rustled, and the miasma around him swirled.
I held out my hand, and Lu Jie his, as the touch touched against each other. Qi and GU swirled in tandem, the world cracking and crumbling around us. A storm began to build up as I felt my spirit stretch and I felt Lu Jie’s spirit reach out towards mine.
Two cycles turned together, one of Qi and the other of Gu, two halves representing both of us. I looked at Lu Jie, and saw a similar fear to mine reflected in his eyes. But both our expressions were resolute.
I uttered the words, in my mind, as the world echoed them for me. The First Law: Duality of Qi and Gu.
Our spirits began to merge, memories mingling and blending. Our two cores spun in a frenzy as the Chi formed a tornado spreading waves of Qi and Gu outwards. Our forms began to blend together.
I was Lu Jie, as one and a whole—
A crack broke the cycle, it’s foundations crumbling. Our spirits shot back to our bodies as I was launched away, my hand burning with agony. The world shuddered around me, as cracks spread through the cycle of Qi and Gu, breaking them in two separate halves.
My spirit shuddered, as the world spun around me. I gathered my bearings in a few moments, pulling myself up to my feet.
“What happened?” I muttered, looking around in confusion when I heard Sheldon’s voice rumbling within the world.
Not. Equals. Yet. Cycle. Remains. Broken.
“But I…” my words died off as I looked at Lu Jie. “Are you okay?”
Lu Jie looked up at me in confusion before nodding. “I’m alright,” Lu Jie said, looking at me.
“I guess… that was a bust huh?” I said, scratching my head. For a moment, it had certainly worked. Just for a moment, I’d felt a strange union of our two spirits.
“The break. I think it was because of me,” Lu Jie said, looking up at me and I stared at him in confusion. “I have a selfish request to ask of you.”
“Hmm? What is it?” I asked curiously.
The boy paused, staring at me blankly. I raised my eyebrows, watching Lu Jie gather his words before he spoke once more.
“I want to apologise to the Old Man.”
Moments passed in silence as I stared, a familiar pain blossoming in my heart. I felt my Qi rustle, unsettled at the prospect as I rubbed my head. I let out a deep sigh, as a bundle of anxiety formed in my gut.
“I know it is a lot to ask. And I know what it is like, to be just a shadow. I will not hold it against you if you do not let me-”
“Alright,” I said, cutting him off mid sentence.
Lu Jie stared at me in surprise, his eyes wide. “Are you… truly? But… What if I take over your body? It will mean our death but- what if I’m lying?”
“Well. I’d have been stupid to trust you, and myself then,” I said, staring at Lu Jie. I smiled, the best smile I could gather as I tried to hide the bundle of anxiety, nerves and fear that waited to pour out. I didn’t wish to vanish. I didn’t wish to die. I didn’t wish to remain as a faint shadow.
But I had to. Because I understood.
“Please don’t kill me,” I said, and Lu Jie nodded to my words.
“I won't,” Lu Jie said, and paused. A moment later, the boy bowed his head deeply as he spoke. “Thank you.”
For some reason I could trust him.
I felt my Qi shiver, as if collapsing back upon me. My spirit shifted, coiling upon itself as the bond between me and Sheldon shuddered. With a wave of Qi, my senses began to fade as I felt my spirit let go as the world receded around me.
A moment later, Lu Jie took over our body as my world turned dark.