Chapter 205 - Complicated Thoughts
(A/N: Please read Vol 0 at the very top of the table of contents regarding the future updates.)
"Why aren’t you resting yet? I know you must be pretty tired during the burial." Lu Chen appeared behind her, automatically pulling her into his arms and dropping a kiss on her cheek. Xiu Mei lazily leaned her back on his chest comfortably.
Lu Chen peeked at her current expression and saw her perturbed look as she continued staring out the window. He wondered what she was currently thinking about.
"Are you worried about something?" He asked while smoothing out the stray strands of her hair.
Xiu Mei returned to her senses and realized that she was spacing out. She shook her head in response to his question while wrapping her hand over his gently.
"Are you sure?"
She nodded.
"Then take a rest early today, okay? I’ll tuck in Lu Qiang for the night so you could go get some early sleep."
She protested with her eyes but Lu Chen kept his ground.
"Just for tonight. I know it’s been hard for you to meet with a lot of people for today and the other day so just take a rest and I’ll handle the rest tonight."
Xiu Mei showed a sulking expression but her husband didn’t let her have her way and held her by her shoulders. And then he pulled her to bed, made her lie down, and pulled the blanket to tuck her to bed.
"Just rest. Listen to me right now, okay?" Lu Chen pressed while stroking her forehead and the top of her head. It looked like he was coaxing a child to sleep.
Xiu Mei pouted but in the end, she really couldn’t win against Lu Chen at the moment. She didn’t have any voice to protest ah. So all she could do is listen to his words and go to sleep.
He kissed her on the forehead before shutting off the lights and leaving the room to go to Lu Qiang’s.
Her eyes wide open as she stared at the ceiling. Her mind lost in the previous conversation she heard in the afternoon.
If Yu Ming Xi really killed Pei Ji Huang, then wouldn’t that be such a dangerous move for him? And his death really fits Lu Chen’s explanation before. That Yu Ming Xi really likes grand moves when he acts on something. Pei Ji Huang’s relationship with the Prime Minister alone is like the grandest stage he could ever have.
But did he really dare to kill his brother’s son-in-law? Covering up such a large crime with a person with a special background, does the Yu family really have that power? Or does Yu Ming Xi alone have that power?
Her thoughts whirled around her head like a mess.
For the last twenty-five years she had been mingling around this circle, she already knew that it wasn’t as glamorous as people thought it would be. Especially a place where power is the supremacy of all. But she still couldn’t help but be stunned and surprised by how dirty a person could get just to keep that power. Killing a person, a relative at most, can they be really easily given up just to protect the power you have?
Is that how heartless and selfish a person could turn to when they’re faced with power?
Xiu Mei was reminded of her family. Hailing from two prestigious families from military and politics, anyone wouldn’t have believed that they haven’t suppressed anyone with their power and prestige.
She wouldn’t even believe that. Because she herself used her family’s name and power a lot of times in the past, and seldomly recently. Maybe it was something ingrained in her because she had been hearing it from a lot of people of how great her father is and her mother’s family. When she was a child, she was immature and all those praises got into her head as if assuming that it were praises to her and she deserved to be praised.
But it was her mother and Grandfather Xiu who scolded her for her terrible thoughts. That their current power is the result of their ancestor’s hard work, and their relatives who worked hard to maintain it. And that it wasn’t something they got without difficulties and accidents along the way.
That having the Xiu surname doesn’t mean that you’re the one who was great. And that we still have to work for it to be deserving of it. And that the power they have shouldn’t be used to suppress and intimidate other people. It wasn’t right, and even families in power have their own principles and limits that they adhere to.
That if it weren’t for the hard work and persistence of the previous generations, we would have been just like any other normal people. It wasn’t supposed to be something to use and belittle against other people.
And so, Xiu Mei was forced to listen to a whole 5 hours of scolding from them. She was immature, but she learned to accept her mistakes and bad thoughts and changed them.
Still, her habit of depending on her family’s name didn’t completely disappear. But she didn’t use it to suppress and bully other people. Rather, she usually uses it when she couldn’t think of anything to defend anymore or if the person is too stupid and hard-headed that only threatening them by using her family’s name would work. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn’t help it.
But it never hit her to use her family’s power for crime and revenge. Not only does it violate her family’s principles but it would even violate her morality.
That was why when she first heard Lu Chen operates an assassin organization, she felt awkward and uncomfortable. Killing is something that violates her moral compass. And she didn’t even know if killing a person because that person was a bad and terrible one justifies the killing.
Still, she accepted Lu Chen. She accepted her husband’s dark part and the stain on his hands. On normal days, she wouldn’t remember it nor be bothered by it. Because all she looked at was his honesty, sincerity, and his acceptance of his other identity. When he worried and got scared that she would push him away once she gets to know of his crimes, but she did not. She tried to understand and stayed by his side all throughout.
Her principles that she held so dearly were shaken and so she could only think about the reasons why she shouldn’t hate him, despise him and push him away. Because he told her that he was using his power to maintain the order of the underground city, a place where killing and power are in the same team. That he was doing this to maintain the peace and order in that messy city.
Xiu Mei shifted around the bed and heaved a deep sigh.
She couldn’t help but question herself.
She felt apprehensive of Yu Ming Xi because she thinks she killed Pei Ji Huang, his close relative, using his power. Not only does she felt apprehensive of him because what he did was a crime, but also because he was using his power and family’s name to cover up the crime and his other crimes.
And then she related it to herself and Lu Chen’s situation.
If she wasn’t related to Lu Chen. If he was just a stranger in her eyes, not her boss nor the president. Just really, purely a stranger. And then she discovers that he runs an assassin organization, he kills people and justifies it with the reason that he was doing it to maintain peace and order, would she have understood him?
Would she have not felt apprehensive and scared of him? Would she have pushed him away, and despised him because of his actions?
And then to herself. Do her actions of using her family’s power and prestige justify her using it to threaten and protect herself from what other people would say to her? Or when someone tries to hurt or gang up on her?
Was she being too hypocrite with all these facts laid out in front of her?
Xiu Mei felt frustrated.
She didn’t know why her train of thought led up to this. She was just thinking that Yu Ming Xi was a terrible person because he killed his own family to protect his power and himself, if he really was the one behind it.
But she didn’t know why she suddenly compared herself and Lu Chen to that person even though it was unfair for Lu Chen. She couldn’t understand why she was being bothered by these kind of thoughts. Of power and prestige and suppression. All those things.
Xiu Mei felt like her morality and conscience are bringing it all to light. All those hidden thoughts, subconscious thoughts. Her fears, her hypocrisy she wanted to deny and hide.
Xiu Mei pulled the blanket over her head and sighed again for the nth time.
Really, was she thinking too much? Pei Ji Huang’s death and Yu Ming Xi’s thing wasn’t even hers to be concerned with.